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Smokey the Bear Tried to Murder My Family
Written by thealmightyitdoesntmatter, aka Schz aka Schizima aka skelet-in$, as a result of DaveTheUseless leading him to write it. Mwahahahahahahah..f.efjefrfjerjfer Have you ever heard of Smokey the Bear? Well, the iconic bear was designed to advertise the prevention of forest fires, but something happened one day when I was watching a smokey the bear commercial that shocked me to the core of my being and made me never want to go near anything flammable again. There’s a rumor about a lost Smokey the bear commercial, where he actually promotes forest fires, and claims they are good for the environment. Thing is, bears don’t know all that much about fire prevention. Eating honey and climbing trees, sure. But fire? Bears don’t know anything about fire. Smokey the bear looked disheveled to say the very least. The commercial starts with a young child trying to play with a trainset in the middle of western Minnesota. What he said next shocked me. “Arson’s only a crime if you get caught. Good news: you can burrrrrrn the evidence!” What the fuck? “And remember kids, when you’re on fire: Stop, drop, and eat an eggroll. An eggroll? And I’m not a kid, I’m a middle aged man who wanted to watch matlock. What’s going on here? He picked up the young child and chucked him into the forest like a football player would throw a winning field goal. Then he started to sing. “Arson, I love arson, burnin’ and burnin’ away, you can burn your cigarattees, or you can burn your family today! Everything burns if you make it hot enough, except water, and maybe cement, but one day soon, we’re gonna burn the moon! And maybe, even cement.” What an asshole, there’s no oxygen in space. Smokey’s original name was Hotfoot Teddy, named after a bear that was immolated with horrible first degree burns after a forest fire in the 1950s. I went to turn off the tv and planned on calling the cable company to complain about this horrible advertising during Matlock, my favorite television program. I went to turn the knob but it was hot. An electrical spark shot out of the tv and caused me to fall back. A large pile of newspapers sat next to an open container of gasoline I keep in case of emergencies. Well, this was an emergency. As I fell backwards I knocked the television over, causing the tv to spark and ignite the newspapers and gasoline. Oh my god! A fire! I screamed. “Help me smokey the bear!” I could’ve left the house, I could’ve called the fire department, I could’ve even poured some water on the flames. But then I remembered what the commercial said earlier. I fell on the floor and started rolling around, but this caused me to actually catch on fire. I screamed as I rolled into the pantry looking for a delicious eggroll to douse the flames. Being that I do logistics for a Chinese Restaurant company and often outsource my work to home, I found many delicious eggrolls were up in the cupboards, but I, being 3 foot 2 inches tall, could not reach them. I was about to pass out from the heat and flames when I saw a familiar furry face at my window. Smokey the bear! He was wearing a hat and holding a shovel. Hey, why did Smokey the bear carry a shovel? I mean I hoped it was smokey the bear. I unlocked the door and invited him inside despite the fact that I was burning to death and my hair had melted into lower intestine. “Thank you smoke-AHHH!” I screamed! The bear’s razor sharp claws cut into me like a hot knife through butter. He opened his mouth revealing row after row of trash compactor incisors, sharpened like vile kitchen knives! “AND REMEMBER!” The grizzly bear with red eyes and a violent nostril hissed. “ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES! THIS IS A HOME FIRE, SO I AM PERFECTLY OK WITH THIS!” The bear laughed, and began to devour my flesh like hot barbecue chicken. Now you’re probably thinking: how did he write this if he’s dead? Well, the bear didn’t exactly kill me. See, the reason Smokey the bear carries that shovel around is because he eventually buries his victims in a shallow grave. He mauls and viciously burns his victims within an inch of their life, and then he puts them in a shallow grave, allowing dirt, moss and dead bugs to cauterize the wounds. It was all to teach me a lesson. A lesson about fire prevention. The animals were all angry and had evil eyes. “Now get out of our fucking forest, or Breaky the Caterpillar will break your fuckin’ legs too.” The tiny two inch caterpillar started moving toward me with a sinister smile. I dragged my bleeding, bruised body to the local delicatessen, and, after ordering a hot turkey sandwich, survived to tell you my terrible tale. Yeah, I called the police, but they were bears too. Don’t go into the woods after midnight. Don’t play with fire, and if a bear comes up to you dressed as a park ranger, you should immediately call the park authorities to question the veracity of his leadership. Bears shouldn’t wear human clothing. They shouldn’t drive human cars. And if a bear calls you up one day on caller ID, don’t pick up the phone. Bears are not our friends, the forest is not our friends, and I’m pretty sure whoever Smokey is eventually plans on coming back to finish the job.